Commissions

Happy New Year and welcome to 2010!

Toward the latter half of '09 I decided to give commissions a go. Here are a few examples.

Happy Halloween to all you scary beasties out there!

Alice, her cows and their world Part 2: Cows

First and foremost, in Alice McKay's world, cows are not used as food. Cows are used for dairy only (and sometimes supervised labor if the job is simple enough and can keep their attention).

There's no way around it, cows need to be milked. Twice daily, Alice's cows congregate in the barn for the necessary chore. While cows have a natural aversion to technology, they tolerate the milking machine as necessity. It not only brings relief of discomfort but, to a few, it gives a greater or lesser degree of pleasure. Alice's milking rig can only accommodate ten cows at a time. At roughly twenty minutes a cow, that's one-hundred minutes (give or take) of milking, twice a day. While the cows would love for Alice to toss out the technology and resort to hand milking, I'm sure you can understand why Alice just wouldn't have the time for that. Milking is also a noisy event, as the cows use the time to gossip and giggle about what they're going to do that day or what they've done that day (depending on the time of course). And they need to talk loudly enough to be heard over the rumbling hiss of the milking machine.

As well spoken as cows tend to be, they're not particularly intelligent. They are, to a certain extent, selfish, yet innocent. They are typically kind and gentle and would never, ever, intend harm to anyone (which is not to say their actions will never harm anyone, just ask Alice). They believe in fairness. The infamous "Milking machine test vote" was not some scheme to get even with Farmer Alice. It was fairness. Why should the cows be expected to put up with all this new fangled technology if Alice herself wasn't going to ensure its safety?

Cows, as individuals or a herd, wouldn't dream of hurting a fly. In fact, the accidental smooshing of a bug has been known to produce tears (except spiders. All cows hate spiders).

Cows have their own unique personalities, ranging from quietly confident to flat out worry wart, to acerbic and biting (well as close to acerbic and biting as a cow can get, which, by human standards, isn't very). Alice's cows are well treated and therefore usually relaxed and confident (maybe a little too confident if the aforementioned vote has anything to say about it).

Cows, as I'm sure you've noticed, are either easily distracted, or so intensely focused on something they'll ignore pretty much everything else. Cows are naturally somewhat dim but high emotion and traumatic events can cause the aforementioned focus (threat of death, loss of plushies, etc.).

All cows have very short term memories. Or, rather, their memories are fine but their retrieval systems are questionable at best. Some data seems to have no problem sticking in their minds though. Their names for example, every cow knows the names of the rest of the herd. It might be associative. Every cow also wears a number tag in her left ear, perhaps seeing that number is all it takes to recall a name.

How do cows spend the day? Playing usually, or "frolicking" as the cows themselves put it. It doesn't seem to matter the age of the cow, they're all playful. Tag, racing, hopscotch, etc. The physical activities tend to slow down as the afternoon milking approaches. Certain assets start getting a little sore. Activities then turn to less, well, bouncy ones. Singing, telling stories and so forth. And gossip. The cow pasture and barn just wouldn't seem normal without the almost constant streams of cow chatter.

Cows are fed two meals a day (after each milking). Usually a salad of veggies and grain. The cows also graze lightly throughout the day. Cows do not eat grass. Grass is for lying down in. A lot of wild (and not so wild) vegetables are to be found out in the pastures, along with berry bushes, a few stray apple trees and flowers! There isn't a flower a cow won't eat.

The cows spend all of their time together as a herd. It is extremely rare that any of them are, for any reason, separated from the rest.

The cows are released to pasture after each milking/feeding but are called back to the barn at around ten in the evening to go to sleep (theoretically). Sleep, however, is not usually instant. Alice tries to ignore the loud whispering, giggling and other sounds that carry through the open windows of her house.

On the subject of those "other sounds", cows will not encounter bulls unless a breeding is planned. Any sexual tensions that may arise are dealt with amongst themselves, usually in the barn, at night, when they're supposed to be sleeping. Alice is frequently dealing with a few tired but satisfied looking cows in the morning.

Cows are loyal. They generally won't talk to people they don't know and are even quite shy with Alice's acquaintances. There are three notable exceptions:

• Dr. Josephine Randal (Dr. Jo to the cows) is the local cow doctor.

• Mary-Jane Findlebottom, Alice's self proclaimed best friend

• Emit, the grizzled old ferret who makes the daily rounds with the milk wagon

Cow colours. Alice's herd consists of thirty-eight cows. Thirty-six of these are the classic black and white. The two exceptions are # 13 (Lulubelle) who completely lacks any black pigmentation, and # 38 (Apple) who is a different species of cow and is a rich brown colour. She also has no horns which she is sort of self conscious of so she wears her poofy side pigtails to help hide their absence. One other, sort of, exception is # 37 (Jezibelle) who has far more black than white on her hide. All cows have the same pink noses, inner ears, breasts and nether regions. Fingers and hooves are black (except Lulubelle's, of course, which are a light tan colour).

Cow numbering. The number tags all of Alice's cows wear are not indicative of rank. They are simply a way of making Alice's paperwork easier. Age is a much more accurate rank meter but even that isn't the end all system. Alice lets the cows figure out their own hierarchy. Typically, the smartest cow ends up being in charge because she comes up with the most entertaining things to do.

Cows are obsessed with all things cute. You already know they all have plushies. If they could get their hands on posters of bunnies or kittens, the barn walls would be covered with them. Except Lulubelle's stall, she'd have pictures of herself on the walls.

Cows of note:

• #1 Daisybelle - The #1 cow is usually assigned the role of "official spokes cow". Any concerns the herd may have are passed on to Alice through Daisybelle, who takes her job very seriously. Alice just wishes Daisybelle could distinguish between the important and the trivial and deal with them accordingly.

• #2 Clarabelle – Pretty much the leader of the pack. Clarabelle is looked to by the rest of the herd for guidance. Clarabelle is uncommonly smart for a cow. Cows normally take things as they come and are content with the status-quo. Clarabelle is cursed with an overly active imagination. She is capable of planning ahead, not necessarily wisely, but she can. She has also, astoundingly, taught herself to read! No cow (at least, no cow that anyone has heard of) has ever managed this. Clarabelle is the only cow in the herd with an interest in greater aspirations.

• #13 Lulubelle – All cows are a wee bit self centered but, since what benefits one cow generally benefits the herd, it's hardly noticeable. Lulubelle, however, is downright selfish. Most of her fretting and whining is for attention. She's good at pointing fingers and naming names. She doesn't do it because she has any intentions or plans to get other cows in trouble it's just in her nature. Lulubelle is also a clean freak. Cows aren't typically dirty creatures (the barn has a few cow sized bathtubs and a boiler for hot water) but Lulubelle is extreme.

• #23 Corabelle – Corabelle has the distinction of being the oldest member of the herd. To the untrained eye she is indistinguishable from any of the others. Cows age well. Being the oldest Corabelle is also the most laid back with a strong "been there, done that" sort of attitude. She's the one the rest of the herd comes to for clarification of cow/farmer relations and etiquette. Unfortunately, Corabelle is no smarter than your average cow and her advice can be sort of unreliable.

• #33 Isabelle – Lulubelle's keeper. Isabelle is usually on hand to keep Lulubelle from doing/saying something really stupid (even if it means slapping #13 in the head). She's the closest thing there is to a cow with a temper. Isabelle hasn't got the patience to deal with long hair so is the only cow in the herd who keeps her hair quite short. She's often at odds with #37

• #37 Jezibelle – Jezibelle is the "black sheep" of the herd (relatively speaking). She'll play dirty tricks on the others and poke fun at others' misfortunes. Cows are not violent creatures but Jezibelle and Isabelle came to blows once, well one blow actually. The one punch thrown resulted in a crying Isabelle (clutching a hurting hand) and a crying Jezibelle (clutching a hurting nose) and a stern reprimand from Farmer Alice. Jezibelle and Isabelle don't get along very well as you can imagine.

• #38 Apple – Apple has a lot of distinctions. She's the youngest cow in the herd. At 19 she's also the only member of the herd who's younger than Farmer Alice. She's a different species and her very different colour and lack of horns make her stand out rather noticeably from the rest. She sometimes feels out of place and uncomfortable because of this. None of the other cows have given her reason to feel this way (Clarabelle and, more importantly, Farmer Alice have firmly told certain other cows to leave Apple alone) she's just too shiny and new to have much confidence. Apple is showing strong signs of being every bit as smart as Clarabelle. Alice has noticed this and is fearfully awaiting the day Clarabelle makes the same discovery. Clarabelle with a protégé is a frightening thought.

Now, all these descriptions are in relation to other cows. Compared to people (when I say people, I mean the beings in charge, which, in Alice McKay's world, aren't just humans) cows are a pretty mild lot. Even the worst of them are pretty much innocent. Cows can and will step out of character on occasion (we all do). The smartest can come up with something pretty dumb, the meekest can do something very courageous.

Some cow stats:

• Females stand around seven feet tall. Males can reach eight feet easy.

• Females are milk providers. Males are used solely for breeding purposes.

• There are far fewer males than females.

• Males are understandably content with their lives.

• Males are just as dim as the average female.

To be continued in Part 3: The World

Alice, Her Cows and Their World

Part 1: Alice

Alice McKay is likely one of the most rock solid people you'll ever meet. She's stubborn and fiercely loyal to her friends and cows, and she does have a temper (though it's difficult to unearth). Insult her to her face and she'll pretty much ignore you, insult her friends or her cows and you have no idea how sorry you'll be. Alice can take quite a beating and give at least as good as she gets. Her farm is the most important thing in her life by far. Her own, personal wants and desires are unimportant (at least that's what she says). Alice tends to excel at everything she attempts, usually with apparent ease. She is an expert shot with her favorite Winchester rifle, if she misses her shot it's because she meant to. Alice is very aware of her body shape. The way she typically dresses should indicate that. She is comfortable enough with her physique that she frequently forgets the effect she can have on others, male or female, good or bad. About the only thing that can unnerve Alice is proximity to the crumbling edge of the canyon. One of the most strongly enforced rules the cows must follow is to stay away from the canyon edge (Clarabelle's flight in that direction does not sit well at all with Alice).

Notable dates:

March 17, 1862. Alice Patricia McKay born to John and Molly McKay at the McKay farmstead, twelve miles due West of Granger's Folly, the tough little village that is the area's trade center. At this point in time Clarabelle is 15 yrs old and is the youngest cow on the farm.

June 3, 1866. Alice falls out of an apple tree and breaks her right arm. Tearfully relates that she just wanted to get a few nice apples for the cows. She's quite angry with herself for doing something as stupid as falling out of a tree.

September 27, 1867. Meets and beats the holy living hell out of one Gertrude Kincaid. Gerty's crime? Saying things about Alice's parents that any properly raised four and a half year old shouldn't be saying. Alice is reprimanded and ,through gritted teeth, apologizes to Gerty.

August 10, 1868. Enters her first junior rodeo (“A day of fun and sun for the young'uns!”). Comes in second place overall behind a fourteen year old “veteran” out performing several other older children who are not exactly amused at having been beaten by a six year old. Alice completely dominates the event for the next four years (fellow competitor Gerty Kincaid's dislike for Alice only grows) then, not finding it much of a challenge, chooses not to compete in it again.

January 5, 1873. Almost eleven, Alice is already shaping up to be the well endowed woman we all know. Findlebottom family moves in to Granger's Folly and opens up a general store. Alice meets Mary Jane Findlebottom (a few months younger than Alice) and an unexpected friendship ensues between the too serious Alice and the gangling goofiness of Mary Jane. Self proclaimed rival Gerty Kincaid is sent away to boarding school in Redwater City (roughly 200 miles South, South-East of Granger's Folly).

June18, 1875. While out for a solitary walk through the farmstead's rougher Western boundaries, Alice is attacked by a juvenile rock gator (more on these creatures in part 3). The gator grabbed onto Alice's lower right leg and began the instinctive head shake meant to incapacitate (possibly even dismember) prey. Alice's boot protected her leg from the gator's teeth but her knee was horribly wrenched. Somehow, through all the pain and shaking, Alice kept her head and went for the gator's only real weakness, its eyes (their relatively small brains are immediately behind their beady little eyes). Some hours later Alice dragged herself back to the farmyard pulling the dead, five foot long, rock gator behind her, both hands bloody from shoving her thumbs into the gator's eyes and scrambling it's brains. Her knee never healed perfectly and on cold days, or if Alice finds the need to run, a limp is very much evident.

May 31, 1878. Alice shoots her first man. A would be cattle thief sorely underestimating the sixteen year old girl with the rifle. The shot was intentionally not fatal but certainly slowed the thief enough for the authorities to round him up. If it bothered Alice to shoot someone she has certainly never showed it.

March 15, 1879. Horror. A cave-in of the nearby canyon wall trapped a few local prospectors in their mine. Alice's parents, her uncle and several other locals head to the rescue, leaving Alice to mind the farm. During the dig out a second cave-in buries most of the rescuers. An exhausted, filthy Sheriff Ezekial Walsh declares an abandonment of the dig after a third cave in injures a few more volunteers. The bodies of John an Molly McKay, Peter McKay and four others were never found. The farm's herd of 37 cows is the only “family” Alice has left.

April 22, 1881. Alice buys her first cow (all previous acquisitions were handled by her father), bringing the herd up to the current 38. She decides to name the newcomer Apple, stepping away from her parents' quirky tradition of ending every cow's name with -belle (yes, that's 37 -belle names).

October 26, 1881. After he ignores her warnings, Alice intentionally shoots a trespasser and, again intentionally, it isn't fatal. Unfortunately for the trespasser the fall from the canyon edge was. Sheriff Walsh has a long heartfelt chat with Alice about possibly not shooting every stranger that wanders onto her land.

July 7, 1883. Alice has made enough annual profit to replace the elderly milk collection system in the barn and, amid much protest from the herd, installs the latest and greatest setup she can afford. The cows decide, behind Alice's back, that the new machine should be properly tested for safety reasons. The vote is unanimous and , well, we all know what happens next...

to be continued in part 2: Cows